Space Parity

By Debbie Pickett

To the tune of "Space Oddity" by David Bowie.

This is the song that starts "Ground control to Major Tom". A couple of years ago I tried to phone Telecom (now called Telstra).

A Tim Tam is a chocolate biscuit (cookie) made in Australia.

I'm on hold to Telecom.
I'm on hold to Telecom.
Wait a minute and advance by a micron.
I'm on hold to Telecom.
All the operators gone
Off on long lunch breaks, for God's sake talk to me.

This is me on hold to Telecom:
"I'm barely half awake,
And I think I'm running purely on glucose,
Shall I take another capsule of No-Doze?"
This is Telecom to me on hold:
"We're stepping through our calls,
And we hope you like the music that we play,
Have we told you just how good we are today?"

For here am I nibbling on a Tim Tam,
Slowly growing old;
Planet Earth is too,
I'm behind them in the queue.

Now I've waited half a thousand hours,
But yet I'm waiting still,
And I think I've worn my ear down to the bone;
All my life I'm spending waiting on the phone.
I'm on hold to Telecom
The line's gone dead, there's something wrong!
Can you hear me, Telecom?
Can you hear me, Telecom?
Can you hear me, Telecom?
Can you . . .

Here am I choking on my Tim Tam,
Slowly growing old;
Planet Earth is too,
I'm behind them in the queue.