Memorandum to staff:

The Vice-Chancellor has directed me to circulate the following message to all staff re the Government's next `quality round'. In case staff are unfamiliar with the terminology [1] (newspeak) a translation is provided in parentheses.

Central University is committed to (required to appear committed to) quality in all fields of endeavour (the academics will have to fill in more forms). It is committed to quality in administration (a lot more forms) and in management (the forms must be returned by yesterday).

New mechanisms will monitor the quality processes (we need more administrators), which will be equal to world's best practice (anyone for an overseas junket?). There will be regular meetings between senior staff (let's do lunch) to ensure efficient implementation.

The university is committed to quality outcomes in education (the pass mark will be lowered). Greater efficiency and productivity will be sought (we can fire some academics), and innovative new teaching methods will be introduced (we can fire more academics). The University recognises the need for greater accountability (even more forms) and for an appropriate career path for specialist educators (we can fire even more academics).

The university is committed to quality outcomes in research (we'll need more money). Criteria for measuring research productivity will be identified (a lot more money) and appropriate monitoring implemented (yup, more of those forms). Anomalies in the funding structure for research will be addressed (senior administrators will be able to apply for grants...) and rectified (...and will get first priority).

We are confident that the measures being put in place will enable Central University to fulfil the Government's quality criteria (we can print reports on 4-colour presses).